do not ever

Something I need to share. To remind myself. To remind people around me. 

I just need to voice this out. 

I wouldn't call this as 'rules'. May be 'principle' i guess. 

For those who unfortunately ended up in my car,

1. Do not, I repeat, NEVER throw rubbish out of my car. There is usually a small rubbish bin in the car for you, but if there isn't any, find one. Or you could just hang on to it till we reach out destination and you find an actual bin. Or else, I'm totally fine with you leaving it on the floor of the car. I don't care. Just. Not. Out. The. Window. On. The. Road.

I absolutely cannot tolerate such behaviour. The world is not your dumpster. 

2. This is menial to some. But as people say, when in Rome, do as the Romans do. Well, this applies to MY CAR as well. It's MY car, I drive it the way i drive. If you don't like it, just keep your mouth shut, and take an UBER. I'll gladly request one for you. Do not attempt to give me mixed signals, and then proceed to scream at me for not driving YOUR way. In other words, do not interrupt me. 

I am pretty sure I was driving 'safely' in your terms, but you are the one who suggested I could cut the car in front of me. Damn, then don't scream at me if you have already given me the green light to go fast. 

3. NEVER proceed to lecture the hell out of me when I'm driving. I am a cancerian. I am emotional. When the emotional thing hits me, I cant fucking control myself. The world outside is already very stressful. Do not add to that. Thank you.

In Life,

1. Do not tell me, "The world doesn't revolves around you." I know that very well. So my question to you is, "So does the world revolves around you then?".

Then just stfu. I am not interested in your useless opinion.

2. If you do not know me, do not even try to judge me. Damn, I am not your puppet. I am not the person you imagine i am. I am not going to live the world according to your sick mentality. I wish to be friends with you, but if we are so different, it cant be helped. 

Damn.  

what's wrong with me?

i needed a place to rant. logged in again to my dayre, thinking that there will not be so many active people. but what's the point. this blog has been with me since 2004. unless you are my friend from yesteryears, or you are one heck of a stalker, you will not be able to find me. well, if you did found me here, congrats to you. let me know and we'll go for ice cream. 

many years has passed since i started pouring my immature childish nonsense thoughts here. nothing has changed though. i may have grew older, but i dont think i am no longer immature, childish or nonsense. i am still, but maybe much lesser. 

heh. 

my personal facebook is not a place where i can rant anymore. colleagues, agents, teachers, bosses are all in there. i went against my own principle of NOT adding these people in. but me being me, i never have a stand. anyway, i am glad they are in there. it just limits what i can do or say in there. 

my hands and mind have been itching to write. anyway. whatever.

- - - - - - -

on another story...

yesterday i found out that you were already together with someone else wayyy before you decided to push me side and treat me like trash. i guess this was the same person you were going after. who decided to push you aside as well. 

well finding out stuff like this did hurt me, abit, i should cry, i should mourn over the loss of you (done that long time ago) but deep down i know that you are not worth it. i knew it long ago. i just created this 'fantasy' world and hope things will eventually work out between us. 

you said you're not ready. fuck it, then why are you ready for that one? you could have tell it straight to my face, you're already together with someone. it will break apart the fantasy land but that would be better than you and me lying to me. am i a back-up player? in case you and her didnt work out, then i am here for you. please. 

i have wasted enough time. 

actually deep deep deep down i kind of know. i know you are not here anymore. thus the meetup i insisted on having. at least i need to know who is the person i spent so much time talking to, before we drift apart. 

i only blame myself for being stupid. 
i only blame myself for falling too fast.
i only blame myself for being so stupid. 
i only blame myself for being so blind. 
i only blame myself for being so 'desperate' for love. 

now that i finally found a closure for you. 

which leads me to wonder. why isit so difficult for me to find someone. anyone. people kept telling me to lower my requirement. i actually dont require much, just for someone i can talk to, someone who will be here with me, someone who makes me laugh at the most horrible times. they are also the same people who tells me to just wait and god will have a plan, there is timing for everyone. like, when will my time be? is there something wrong with me? am i so horrible that no one will actually love me? am i so disgusting that no one will even like me, except for my family and few friends? what am i doing wrong? like, what's wrong with me? these negative thoughts is killing me bit by bit. i am strong and still surviving, but.. yeah. 

hmm. 

12th July 2016

I'm so fking stressed up now. I need to vent my frustrations but there is no where to do it. There is no one I can talk to. No one actually understands. :(

So stressed up that I was actually holding back my tears in the bank, in the car, in my work. I just need a release. AH! 

Life is so shitty. 

I am also angry at myself. I said I want to leave this place, but I'm still here. Because I'm doing nothing to change it. 

ME and MY procrastination. 

ME and MY fears of the unknown. 

What if I quit and there is no job?

All these uncertainties. I cant do this anymore. 

I am sick, I am tired, I just want to go somewhere and hide. 

:( 

"Clients do not come first. Employees come first. If you take care of your employees, they will take care of the clients. Richard Branson"

"Even those who sells property don't work on Sundays. 

Except when there's public fair.. that's a different story."

**To understand the situation I am in right now, I work 7 days a week. Occasional breaks here and there (So nice have break still want to complain?). Wait lah, one day break in few months. You call it a break? Monday to Sunday, everyday. You say jialat or not?***

Damn, I am fucking depressed right now. Who the hell wakes up so early on a weekend? Or on Sunday morning. If you're going to a church then yes, you have to wake up and go. Willingly.

But work? Damn.

There's a thin line between willing and being forced to.

This morning, even my parents who are usually the FIRST persons to wake up in the morning is still asleep. EVEN the dog, who wakes up earlier than me, is STILL ASLEEP. Even the dog didn't bother to wake up.

What THE FUCK  bleep?!

I am depressed. I am sad.I am tired. I feel conflicted. 

I am thiiiiisss close to sending the message to the boss.

"I have decided to walk out the door." 

What breaks my heart was all the small little things that are mundane, but those are the little important things.

My grandparents, who are already very old. I am not spending any time with them. Even IF i get to go home, it was to sleep. ALL I could do is just to sleep. Because that's how tired I am. Physically, emotionally, mentally.

My parents, they are trying new things, exploring new places, WITHOUT ME. I used to be the one that says, "Let's go here", "Let's go there". But now, they will be telling me, "We went to this place last week, its nice. Maybe you should go too, when you're free." Damn. I am NEVER free.

My social life, is 'dead-er' than dead. Even if I am free, I am just too tired to meet anyone. I choose to just go home and sleep.

For a company that claims that they preach on "WORK-LIFE BALANCE", I'm sorry, you can all go and syok-sendiri with your Work-Life Balance philosophy. It just doesn't exist in this step-child office.

And to think that for all the sacrifices I have made (my time, my energy, my family, my friends, myself, everything), and the pay I am getting are just PEANUTS.

Why do I wake up so early this morning? It's my sense of responsibility, not for the tiny claim that I can make.

I am seriously tired of all this shits. Yes, I can do something. Quit. Maybe, soon.

Sigh.

Saw this quote on Facebook. Very relevant to the situation I am in.

"Clients do not come first. Employees come first. If you take care of your employees, they will take care of the clients. Richard Branson" 

rant. nonsense.

i am not well. not at all. 

im so tired. 

is this the life i want to live? why am i torturing myself like this? there must be a better way for selfharm.

i am so tired. tired with every single piece of shits, tired of everyone, tired of every single fucking thing. im so tired of the world. i need to take a break. i need to be away from people, from all the energy draining stuff and be alone. to have time for myself, that would be an impossible dream. 

there if no where to go, even if i can get a break. 

not like i get the luxury of having a break. 

there is no such luxury. there will be no fucking time for yourself. not to mention time for family, friends.. 

im so tired that i get depressed. i need time to cry, but i cant find time. all these pent up emotions. this is no fun at all. i dont even have time to get depressed fml. 

what the fuck am i doing. 

"public holidays are given and its a right for everyone. why do we need to earn it?" 

i cant think straight now. 

why do i feel like im suffocating? to the point that i cant breathe. why do things have to be so complicaated. damnnnnn

sigh

im tired. 

seriously tired. 

tired of all the shits i have been receiving.

being older does not give you the right to condemn me.

BUT,

I WILL pull through.

I WILL survive.

let's see how this ends. 

some people are just too much. what did i ever do to make you this angry.

not competent?? tell me NICELY la. 

all the bulls I've been seeing, i know.

i know she wants me to leave.

but i wont. 

i will stay till the bosses asks me to leave. 

fuck. 

2014

I have been working for a few months after a very, very long break. 

Few months feels like FOREVER! 

goodbye,陌生人.

how did i come to this again?
well i was looking back at the old pictures, print screens..
arranging and deleting the unnecessary from hogging space in the external hard disk actually.
there are like tens of thousands to look through and manage. NOT a joke.
literally that many pictures.


and then i saw.. him.
actually it is the print screen of his messages.
but whatever. 

those early mornings and late nights,
those are the only times we get to talk.
those words.
those lies.
those games.

i missed him.
his last message to me was "im busy, i have lots of business."
he meant work, but google translate says business. 
yeah. we speak different languages. 

well you know what?
im busy too.

i cant believe i fell for it.
well, everyones kinda a fool when it comes to this.

this is the last im going to talk about him.

it was fun while it lasted.
thanks for everything.

goodbye.
不再見了。
祝你好運。
我們一起加油吧。

i will not look back anymore. 

scary

it's scary how people change.

it's scary how two strangers crossed paths and become friends, then good friends, then best friends, then probably fall a little in love, and suddenly.. everything changes. they slowly drift apart and become distant friends, then very soon, strangers again. this scares me, teach me not to be held on so emotionally with the new people i meet. but then again, when it happens, it happens. when two person clicked, they clicked.

it's scary how fast time pass. close my eyes for one moment and then another week passed.

it's scary how different mineral water taste from drinking water.

it's scary how accidents happen.

it's scary how a person get injured and then scars happen.

it's scary how ....

update?

theres nothing to update.

i am still studying. sort of..

i am still forever alone..

i am still as bored as ever...

i am still lifeless.

:'(

last night, i dreamt about you.

how can you so randomly appear in my dream? you were mine for that little while. even in the dream you went missing in the end.

i know i will get my heart broken again, i know i am shameless... i want to give this a shot and texted you. i will not hope for anything. don't want to get too disappointed again.

i must be crazy to even dream of that dream. something so impossible. even in the dream its not possible.

where have you been? at least tell me to leave u alone or something and i will do that.
i wish this is one big mess up. i wish is the systems fault. i wish there is an explanation to this.

waking up emo at 7.30am. genius me.

alone

sometimes, its easier when you have already given up.
given up on finding love.
when you have accepted the fact that you are going to be alone forever.

then a wild fake love appears and give you hope,
thats when you let your guard down and think that you deserve a fairy tale,
like the others.

but you have to realise,
this is all fake feelings,
all they want is just to youknowwhat,
and then when you do realise one day,
you dont know how to live alone anymore.

the phrase 'i love you' been used so often it doesnt mean anything anymore.

just get back to the ground and learn to live alone, forever.
its easier this way.

you will never love anyone, anymore.
its just too difficult.

loneliness is something you cant avoid.
just, learn to live with it.

one day,
your friends will leave.
your family will leave.
everyone you have now will be too busy to bother you.

heartbreaker

somehow ....

{ whenever you need someone i'll be there }

This comforting words, this comforting voice. Thank you for making things seems easier.

I dont know how am i feeling

Life sucks, lets just deal with it.
Im still looking for an easy way out...

stressed

stress, stress, stress!!!

theres so much i want to do, i want to write about, but i have no time to do. strange though, i have all the time in the world for procrastination.

thesis is way behind schedule, working part time which takes up all my free time, and i have assignment which is due in a few weeks.

thesis, due in almost 1 month.

one more month wtf.

been very depressed and frustrated also because of the data line in my phone. was asked to wait another two days to resolve the matter. well, if its not solved in 48 hours, i am going to change my line. and have an anger post on it.

im on the verge of insanity. seriously, i cant live without internet. although no one msges me at whatsapp, bbm, etc, but still.... keeping it active will make sure my heart and mind is positive. lol. i feel like the world fking collapse because of the internet issue.

fml. fml max.

stress, depress, frus. not a good combination i tell you.

whatever, i seriously hope i can get it back. whatever the issue is.

Let Go

Feels like there's sooo much to talk about.

It's been a crazy past few weeks. CNY is just barely over, just less than a month (from the 15th day), but it felt like its already been a year since CNY. sigh, had exams and assignments non stop since the holidays.

Last Friday, we (me and my awesome group members) had to conduct a workshop as a part of assignment, and our group was the last one of the whole batch. I choose this topic (grief) because of the hectic and crazy schedule I had. Been quite depressing few weeks too, unable to enjoy during holidays, had to face resit exams and fearing for the worse, and also had some very emo lectures and assignments; mainly on pain, and death anxiety. I actually wrote a 10 page proposal on death anxiety, wtf do you know how depressing is that? And right after that, had to attend a pain management workshop which basically means dealing with pain. ok I'm talking crap now. lol.

Well, I would like to say that I am soo very thankful for the awesome team members for coming up with such out-of-the-box ideas. Would never had thought of those ideas even though I brainstorm myself for weeks. Seriously, I truly enjoyed the workshop (not self-praise ok) even though I am one of the facilitators.

Ok, ok, enjoy may not be the best description. As a faci, I felt something too. I was standing at the back of the class, trying to control my emotions. All I remember was telling myself to hold it, be strong, and you cannot cry at this moment. Was trying to block off some disturbing images in my mind at the same time. Felt really numb, but that's the feeling I am familiar with. Imagine going to a workshop feeling really down, wanting to let go off some burden, and then the faci are supposed to be strong and stand at your side, becoming the pillar of strength, but then they themselves broke down and cried in front of you.

Talking about that, I somehow miss my paternal grandparents now. Was not really close to them, I'm closer to maternal side as I had stayed with them since the day I was born. They've been gone for more than 10 years already I believe. Was in primary school when it happened. But still, I miss them sometimes. Did not get to spend much time with them while growing up, but I still remember some moments with them.

Sometimes when my maternal grandparents are not free to fetch me from kindy, the paternal grandpa would come to pick me up with his bicycle. Then, he would take me home to shower and rest, and then bring me out again to get snacks from the shop at the corner. It may be nothing for you, but for me this is the best memory I had of my paternal grandpa. And then when it was time for me to go home, the grandma would give me RM5. #moneyface. I still remember even though I was 5 or 6 years old that time.

Two days ago, I tweeted, " Letting go doesn't mean forgetting. Ohana will always be ohana."
sometimes i can be so random, i dont always complain 1 ok....

If you don't get the contents of the tweet, it basically means that by letting go of the grief, the hurt, and the pain of losing someone you love, and moving on with life, it does not mean that you should or would forget about the person. Family will always be family, no matter where they physically are, they will always and forever be in your heart. No matter what. It's ok to miss them once in a while, and they would be happy too if you move on. How can they be resting in peace if they know that you are not moving on? You get what I mean? I have limited language ability, helooooo....

Ok, bye...

Oh, if you happen to lost someone, and is grieving, please know that there is no time frame for you to grief. Take your time and grief at your own pace. There is no too long or too short period of time. It's all up to you. But, remember, after you're done being sad, emo, down, etc..., stand back up and continue with your life ok.

boo :(

I had a sudden outburst of tears.

It came from no where and I can't control it.

Have history resit paper in less than 2 days and I am just so not prepared. This is too much.

Everything else can wait. Does it?

I have been thinking about something that someone told me days ago. There are some truth in the words, but I still don't get it. 

Some people say, "Just follow your heart and everything will be well", but there are also some who will tell you that "The most important thing now is to do well in your exams and everything else can wait."

Well, actually, I'm stuck at the phrase where they said, "everything else can wait." 

What do you mean? I can put those 'unimportant' stuff aside while I get my degree? But, I also know that when you lose a chance, it's never going to come back.

In another point of view, "Make sure you know what is important for you and what is not. Prioritize. Make the right choice for the better future." 

I'm sorry if anyone who is reading this don't get it. I'm writing in too many point of view. Because when I write something, my brain will think from another point of view that that made sense, and then when i wrote the 2nd point down, a 3rd point of view will be messing with my brain. I'm not delusional or anything, I'm just me. I think a lot of nonsense, and I  day dream alot. Alrights, back to the story.

Well, the other day, someone told me that I should stop wasting my time going to concerts, and also other non-academic stuff that is deemed unimportant to them. And I am the sort of person that never believes that academics will bring you far in life, and 'play' is more important. You see, we never know how long more do we have to live in this world. An average person may live up to 60, 70 or even 80 years, but there are also some people who passes on in their 20s, 30s due to various reasons. 

I dont want to be like the people who has regrets in life. I want to be able to eat the food that I want to eat, and experience new things when I have the chance. I also have some obsessions, like a famous singer, actor, etc. 

Back to the point.. The thing that make me ponder for so many ion days is that 'everything else can wait' phrase. Oh how many times I had said that in life, but reality is, not everything can wait. It felt like telling those people, "Our friendship can wait." 

Seriously, my experience tells me that nothing waits. If you miss this one chance, then you missed it already. Second chances may or may not come. Also, you don't want to grow old and tell our grandchildren that you had spent your life waiting and missing out on life because something else is more important right? The something else that is important to you now may not be important at that time already. So? You missed out on creating memories that could be treasured just because you waited for the next chance to come. 

Having said that, I hate it when people say, "There's always next time." If you give it a shot and you say that, then it's ok but if you don't do anything and you say that, I will begin to dislike you. 

Ps: there's so much more things that I had wanted to write, but then, i took a break and went to do my laundry and when i came back i forgot what i had wanted to say and that is why.... this post is so confusing and doesnt make sense. if anyone's reading lah. but i doubt it. see, im talking to myself again. 

I had a bad day - Road Bully

This few days feels like theres a huge dark cloud shadowing me... following me around, everywhere i go.

 just this afternoon, i got bullied on road by a taxi driver on rage.
too bad i was so angry that i forgot to take down his car number.

he actually stopped in the middle of the road, and when i go to the other lane, he tried to cut in again...
and then he hurled abuse words towards me..

WTF did i do?
I think he's on PMS!

 FML totally spoilt my already-bad-mood.
 I dont know why but life sucks recently.

the road bully was one of the worse.

thank God someone was in the car with me to cool me down, if not there will be drama on the road edi...
I'll go buy blade tmrw and keep in my car in case this kind of thing happen again.

anyway anyhow, this whole day hasnt been good to me, from the moment i wake up till now.
u say lah, went to subway 2nd time this week, and both times, my cups were leaking.

and it only happened to me.
my friend who ordered before me had a non-leaking cup.
u say lah, what is this.... go both times, both times also get leaking cup. tsk tsk tsk...

i just hope all this #darkclouds thing will end when the Rabbit year ends... or, should i mandi bunga first?