I am not the kind of person that handles stress well. Just last week, I almost gave up on TWO years of hard work. Literally giving up. I was feeling so down, and my future seems bleak. I can see nothing, but darkness. I thought I was at the end of my two years journey already. Another year to go and I am graduating. The thoughts of giving up is so strong that I would actually do it already, but friends have been encouraging me for moving forward.
I wasn't joking when I said I wanted to give up. Nope, not at all. I was pretty damn serious about it. But, the thing is, how can I have the heart to tell my parents who has been funding my studies? We are not rich, and my fees are not cheap, but they have been paying the fees every semester. How can I tell my mum that her daughter wants to give up because she is not confident at all? How can I have the heart to break the news to them that the fees they have been paying all this while will go down the drain because their daughter is a quitter?
Tears fell when I thought of that. There are many times when I talked to my mum over the phone, but I just can do it. I just can't let them down like that. As if I have not let them down enough. As if I'm not enough of a failure. Only my friends knew that I would want to give up. I spent weeks thinking long and hard about the giving up part. Those times that I was supposed to study for my failed papers, I spent it all on thinking, and thinking, instead of actually studying.
I even delayed the payment of the new semester because I had actually planned to give it all up. But, how do i face the people that have put their hopes on me? I didn't do it.
The days leading to the resit exam are not easy too. I was feeling so 'emo' that I even had a plain black profile picture on Facebook. Nope, it's not because I wanted to not show my face, but I was feeling really down. Like the life is worthless. People who know me will know that Facebook is my life (because I'm oh-so lifeless in real life). I had even considered to deactivate my fb account once and for all (if only i could find that damn button). But yeah, I didnt do it cause, I couldn't find the button. *swt case*
Through my TWO long years journey, I have met with many challenges, but this is the biggest obstacle so far. The thought of giving up had never been so strong like this before. But I thought back to those moments that I wanted to give up previously, and think where will I be if I had really given up. I have no idea. But one thing I know is, I AM STILL HERE BECAUSE I CHOOSE TO FIGHT, I CHOOSE TO CARRY ON. I DIDN'T GIVE UP. I HAD A CHOICE, AND I DIDN'T DO IT.
Nope, I didn't give up the last time, so why should I this time?
There are moments in life where we met an obstacle or two, but everything happens for a reason. When you fall down, then stand up again. Or else you'll never learn. Standing back up is not easy, neither is giving up. So, just stand up for once.
For now, I am still waiting for results, but I hope things will be positive. *fingers crossed* Thank you all who have been with me through the darkest hour.