Wednesday, 3 August 2016

what's wrong with me?

i needed a place to rant. logged in again to my dayre, thinking that there will not be so many active people. but what's the point. this blog has been with me since 2004. unless you are my friend from yesteryears, or you are one heck of a stalker, you will not be able to find me. well, if you did found me here, congrats to you. let me know and we'll go for ice cream. 

many years has passed since i started pouring my immature childish nonsense thoughts here. nothing has changed though. i may have grew older, but i dont think i am no longer immature, childish or nonsense. i am still, but maybe much lesser. 

heh. 

my personal facebook is not a place where i can rant anymore. colleagues, agents, teachers, bosses are all in there. i went against my own principle of NOT adding these people in. but me being me, i never have a stand. anyway, i am glad they are in there. it just limits what i can do or say in there. 

my hands and mind have been itching to write. anyway. whatever.

- - - - - - -

on another story...

yesterday i found out that you were already together with someone else wayyy before you decided to push me side and treat me like trash. i guess this was the same person you were going after. who decided to push you aside as well. 

well finding out stuff like this did hurt me, abit, i should cry, i should mourn over the loss of you (done that long time ago) but deep down i know that you are not worth it. i knew it long ago. i just created this 'fantasy' world and hope things will eventually work out between us. 

you said you're not ready. fuck it, then why are you ready for that one? you could have tell it straight to my face, you're already together with someone. it will break apart the fantasy land but that would be better than you and me lying to me. am i a back-up player? in case you and her didnt work out, then i am here for you. please. 

i have wasted enough time. 

actually deep deep deep down i kind of know. i know you are not here anymore. thus the meetup i insisted on having. at least i need to know who is the person i spent so much time talking to, before we drift apart. 

i only blame myself for being stupid. 
i only blame myself for falling too fast.
i only blame myself for being so stupid. 
i only blame myself for being so blind. 
i only blame myself for being so 'desperate' for love. 

now that i finally found a closure for you. 

which leads me to wonder. why isit so difficult for me to find someone. anyone. people kept telling me to lower my requirement. i actually dont require much, just for someone i can talk to, someone who will be here with me, someone who makes me laugh at the most horrible times. they are also the same people who tells me to just wait and god will have a plan, there is timing for everyone. like, when will my time be? is there something wrong with me? am i so horrible that no one will actually love me? am i so disgusting that no one will even like me, except for my family and few friends? what am i doing wrong? like, what's wrong with me? these negative thoughts is killing me bit by bit. i am strong and still surviving, but.. yeah. 

hmm. 



Tuesday, 12 July 2016

12th July 2016

I'm so fking stressed up now. I need to vent my frustrations but there is no where to do it. There is no one I can talk to. No one actually understands. :(

So stressed up that I was actually holding back my tears in the bank, in the car, in my work. I just need a release. AH! 

Life is so shitty. 

I am also angry at myself. I said I want to leave this place, but I'm still here. Because I'm doing nothing to change it. 

ME and MY procrastination. 
ME and MY fears of the unknown. 

What if I quit and there is no job?

All these uncertainties. I cant do this anymore. 
I am sick, I am tired, I just want to go somewhere and hide. 

:( 

Sunday, 13 December 2015

"Clients do not come first. Employees come first. If you take care of your employees, they will take care of the clients. Richard Branson"

"Even those who sells property don't work on Sundays. 
Except when there's public fair.. that's a different story."

**To understand the situation I am in right now, I work 7 days a week. Occasional breaks here and there (So nice have break still want to complain?). Wait lah, one day break in few months. You call it a break? Monday to Sunday, everyday. You say jialat or not?***

Damn, I am fucking depressed right now. Who the hell wakes up so early on a weekend? Or on Sunday morning. If you're going to a church then yes, you have to wake up and go. Willingly.

But work? Damn.

There's a thin line between willing and being forced to.

This morning, even my parents who are usually the FIRST persons to wake up in the morning is still asleep. EVEN the dog, who wakes up earlier than me, is STILL ASLEEP. Even the dog didn't bother to wake up.

What THE FUCK  bleep?!

I am depressed. I am sad.I am tired. I feel conflicted. 

I am thiiiiisss close to sending the message to the boss.

"I have decided to walk out the door." 

What breaks my heart was all the small little things that are mundane, but those are the little important things.

My grandparents, who are already very old. I am not spending any time with them. Even IF i get to go home, it was to sleep. ALL I could do is just to sleep. Because that's how tired I am. Physically, emotionally, mentally.

My parents, they are trying new things, exploring new places, WITHOUT ME. I used to be the one that says, "Let's go here", "Let's go there". But now, they will be telling me, "We went to this place last week, its nice. Maybe you should go too, when you're free." Damn. I am NEVER free.

My social life, is 'dead-er' than dead. Even if I am free, I am just too tired to meet anyone. I choose to just go home and sleep.

For a company that claims that they preach on "WORK-LIFE BALANCE", I'm sorry, you can all go and syok-sendiri with your Work-Life Balance philosophy. It just doesn't exist in this step-child office.

And to think that for all the sacrifices I have made (my time, my energy, my family, my friends, myself, everything), and the pay I am getting are just PEANUTS.

Why do I wake up so early this morning? It's my sense of responsibility, not for the tiny claim that I can make.

I am seriously tired of all this shits. Yes, I can do something. Quit. Maybe, soon.

Sigh.

Saw this quote on Facebook. Very relevant to the situation I am in.

"Clients do not come first. Employees come first. If you take care of your employees, they will take care of the clients. Richard Branson" 



Wednesday, 2 December 2015

rant. nonsense.

i am not well. not at all. 

im so tired. 

is this the life i want to live? why am i torturing myself like this? there must be a better way for selfharm.

i am so tired. tired with every single piece of shits, tired of everyone, tired of every single fucking thing. im so tired of the world. i need to take a break. i need to be away from people, from all the energy draining stuff and be alone. to have time for myself, that would be an impossible dream. 

there if no where to go, even if i can get a break. 
not like i get the luxury of having a break. 

there is no such luxury. there will be no fucking time for yourself. not to mention time for family, friends.. 

im so tired that i get depressed. i need time to cry, but i cant find time. all these pent up emotions. this is no fun at all. i dont even have time to get depressed fml. 

what the fuck am i doing. 

"public holidays are given and its a right for everyone. why do we need to earn it?" 

i cant think straight now. 

why do i feel like im suffocating? to the point that i cant breathe. why do things have to be so complicaated. damnnnnn

Monday, 24 November 2014

sigh

im tired. 

seriously tired. 

tired of all the shits i have been receiving.

being older does not give you the right to condemn me.

BUT,

I WILL pull through.
I WILL survive.

let's see how this ends. 


some people are just too much. what did i ever do to make you this angry.
not competent?? tell me NICELY la. 

all the bulls I've been seeing, i know.
i know she wants me to leave.
but i wont. 
i will stay till the bosses asks me to leave. 

fuck.