what's wrong with me?

i needed a place to rant. logged in again to my dayre, thinking that there will not be so many active people. but what's the point. this blog has been with me since 2004. unless you are my friend from yesteryears, or you are one heck of a stalker, you will not be able to find me. well, if you did found me here, congrats to you. let me know and we'll go for ice cream. 

many years has passed since i started pouring my immature childish nonsense thoughts here. nothing has changed though. i may have grew older, but i dont think i am no longer immature, childish or nonsense. i am still, but maybe much lesser. 

heh. 

my personal facebook is not a place where i can rant anymore. colleagues, agents, teachers, bosses are all in there. i went against my own principle of NOT adding these people in. but me being me, i never have a stand. anyway, i am glad they are in there. it just limits what i can do or say in there. 

my hands and mind have been itching to write. anyway. whatever.

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on another story...

yesterday i found out that you were already together with someone else wayyy before you decided to push me side and treat me like trash. i guess this was the same person you were going after. who decided to push you aside as well. 

well finding out stuff like this did hurt me, abit, i should cry, i should mourn over the loss of you (done that long time ago) but deep down i know that you are not worth it. i knew it long ago. i just created this 'fantasy' world and hope things will eventually work out between us. 

you said you're not ready. fuck it, then why are you ready for that one? you could have tell it straight to my face, you're already together with someone. it will break apart the fantasy land but that would be better than you and me lying to me. am i a back-up player? in case you and her didnt work out, then i am here for you. please. 

i have wasted enough time. 

actually deep deep deep down i kind of know. i know you are not here anymore. thus the meetup i insisted on having. at least i need to know who is the person i spent so much time talking to, before we drift apart. 

i only blame myself for being stupid. 
i only blame myself for falling too fast.
i only blame myself for being so stupid. 
i only blame myself for being so blind. 
i only blame myself for being so 'desperate' for love. 

now that i finally found a closure for you. 

which leads me to wonder. why isit so difficult for me to find someone. anyone. people kept telling me to lower my requirement. i actually dont require much, just for someone i can talk to, someone who will be here with me, someone who makes me laugh at the most horrible times. they are also the same people who tells me to just wait and god will have a plan, there is timing for everyone. like, when will my time be? is there something wrong with me? am i so horrible that no one will actually love me? am i so disgusting that no one will even like me, except for my family and few friends? what am i doing wrong? like, what's wrong with me? these negative thoughts is killing me bit by bit. i am strong and still surviving, but.. yeah. 

hmm.