alone

sometimes, its easier when you have already given up.
given up on finding love.
when you have accepted the fact that you are going to be alone forever.

then a wild fake love appears and give you hope,
thats when you let your guard down and think that you deserve a fairy tale,
like the others.

but you have to realise,
this is all fake feelings,
all they want is just to youknowwhat,
and then when you do realise one day,
you dont know how to live alone anymore.

the phrase 'i love you' been used so often it doesnt mean anything anymore.

just get back to the ground and learn to live alone, forever.
its easier this way.

you will never love anyone, anymore.
its just too difficult.

loneliness is something you cant avoid.
just, learn to live with it.

one day,
your friends will leave.
your family will leave.
everyone you have now will be too busy to bother you.

heartbreaker

somehow ....

{ whenever you need someone i'll be there }

This comforting words, this comforting voice. Thank you for making things seems easier.

I dont know how am i feeling

Life sucks, lets just deal with it.
Im still looking for an easy way out...

stressed

stress, stress, stress!!!

theres so much i want to do, i want to write about, but i have no time to do. strange though, i have all the time in the world for procrastination.

thesis is way behind schedule, working part time which takes up all my free time, and i have assignment which is due in a few weeks.

thesis, due in almost 1 month.

one more month wtf.

been very depressed and frustrated also because of the data line in my phone. was asked to wait another two days to resolve the matter. well, if its not solved in 48 hours, i am going to change my line. and have an anger post on it.

im on the verge of insanity. seriously, i cant live without internet. although no one msges me at whatsapp, bbm, etc, but still.... keeping it active will make sure my heart and mind is positive. lol. i feel like the world fking collapse because of the internet issue.

fml. fml max.

stress, depress, frus. not a good combination i tell you.

whatever, i seriously hope i can get it back. whatever the issue is.

Let Go

Feels like there's sooo much to talk about.

It's been a crazy past few weeks. CNY is just barely over, just less than a month (from the 15th day), but it felt like its already been a year since CNY. sigh, had exams and assignments non stop since the holidays.

Last Friday, we (me and my awesome group members) had to conduct a workshop as a part of assignment, and our group was the last one of the whole batch. I choose this topic (grief) because of the hectic and crazy schedule I had. Been quite depressing few weeks too, unable to enjoy during holidays, had to face resit exams and fearing for the worse, and also had some very emo lectures and assignments; mainly on pain, and death anxiety. I actually wrote a 10 page proposal on death anxiety, wtf do you know how depressing is that? And right after that, had to attend a pain management workshop which basically means dealing with pain. ok I'm talking crap now. lol.

Well, I would like to say that I am soo very thankful for the awesome team members for coming up with such out-of-the-box ideas. Would never had thought of those ideas even though I brainstorm myself for weeks. Seriously, I truly enjoyed the workshop (not self-praise ok) even though I am one of the facilitators.

Ok, ok, enjoy may not be the best description. As a faci, I felt something too. I was standing at the back of the class, trying to control my emotions. All I remember was telling myself to hold it, be strong, and you cannot cry at this moment. Was trying to block off some disturbing images in my mind at the same time. Felt really numb, but that's the feeling I am familiar with. Imagine going to a workshop feeling really down, wanting to let go off some burden, and then the faci are supposed to be strong and stand at your side, becoming the pillar of strength, but then they themselves broke down and cried in front of you.

Talking about that, I somehow miss my paternal grandparents now. Was not really close to them, I'm closer to maternal side as I had stayed with them since the day I was born. They've been gone for more than 10 years already I believe. Was in primary school when it happened. But still, I miss them sometimes. Did not get to spend much time with them while growing up, but I still remember some moments with them.

Sometimes when my maternal grandparents are not free to fetch me from kindy, the paternal grandpa would come to pick me up with his bicycle. Then, he would take me home to shower and rest, and then bring me out again to get snacks from the shop at the corner. It may be nothing for you, but for me this is the best memory I had of my paternal grandpa. And then when it was time for me to go home, the grandma would give me RM5. #moneyface. I still remember even though I was 5 or 6 years old that time.

Two days ago, I tweeted, " Letting go doesn't mean forgetting. Ohana will always be ohana."
sometimes i can be so random, i dont always complain 1 ok....

If you don't get the contents of the tweet, it basically means that by letting go of the grief, the hurt, and the pain of losing someone you love, and moving on with life, it does not mean that you should or would forget about the person. Family will always be family, no matter where they physically are, they will always and forever be in your heart. No matter what. It's ok to miss them once in a while, and they would be happy too if you move on. How can they be resting in peace if they know that you are not moving on? You get what I mean? I have limited language ability, helooooo....

Ok, bye...

Oh, if you happen to lost someone, and is grieving, please know that there is no time frame for you to grief. Take your time and grief at your own pace. There is no too long or too short period of time. It's all up to you. But, remember, after you're done being sad, emo, down, etc..., stand back up and continue with your life ok.

boo :(

I had a sudden outburst of tears.

It came from no where and I can't control it.

Have history resit paper in less than 2 days and I am just so not prepared. This is too much.

Everything else can wait. Does it?

I have been thinking about something that someone told me days ago. There are some truth in the words, but I still don't get it. 

Some people say, "Just follow your heart and everything will be well", but there are also some who will tell you that "The most important thing now is to do well in your exams and everything else can wait."

Well, actually, I'm stuck at the phrase where they said, "everything else can wait." 

What do you mean? I can put those 'unimportant' stuff aside while I get my degree? But, I also know that when you lose a chance, it's never going to come back.

In another point of view, "Make sure you know what is important for you and what is not. Prioritize. Make the right choice for the better future." 

I'm sorry if anyone who is reading this don't get it. I'm writing in too many point of view. Because when I write something, my brain will think from another point of view that that made sense, and then when i wrote the 2nd point down, a 3rd point of view will be messing with my brain. I'm not delusional or anything, I'm just me. I think a lot of nonsense, and I  day dream alot. Alrights, back to the story.

Well, the other day, someone told me that I should stop wasting my time going to concerts, and also other non-academic stuff that is deemed unimportant to them. And I am the sort of person that never believes that academics will bring you far in life, and 'play' is more important. You see, we never know how long more do we have to live in this world. An average person may live up to 60, 70 or even 80 years, but there are also some people who passes on in their 20s, 30s due to various reasons. 

I dont want to be like the people who has regrets in life. I want to be able to eat the food that I want to eat, and experience new things when I have the chance. I also have some obsessions, like a famous singer, actor, etc. 

Back to the point.. The thing that make me ponder for so many ion days is that 'everything else can wait' phrase. Oh how many times I had said that in life, but reality is, not everything can wait. It felt like telling those people, "Our friendship can wait." 

Seriously, my experience tells me that nothing waits. If you miss this one chance, then you missed it already. Second chances may or may not come. Also, you don't want to grow old and tell our grandchildren that you had spent your life waiting and missing out on life because something else is more important right? The something else that is important to you now may not be important at that time already. So? You missed out on creating memories that could be treasured just because you waited for the next chance to come. 

Having said that, I hate it when people say, "There's always next time." If you give it a shot and you say that, then it's ok but if you don't do anything and you say that, I will begin to dislike you. 

Ps: there's so much more things that I had wanted to write, but then, i took a break and went to do my laundry and when i came back i forgot what i had wanted to say and that is why.... this post is so confusing and doesnt make sense. if anyone's reading lah. but i doubt it. see, im talking to myself again. 

I had a bad day - Road Bully

This few days feels like theres a huge dark cloud shadowing me... following me around, everywhere i go.

 just this afternoon, i got bullied on road by a taxi driver on rage.
too bad i was so angry that i forgot to take down his car number.

he actually stopped in the middle of the road, and when i go to the other lane, he tried to cut in again...
and then he hurled abuse words towards me..

WTF did i do?
I think he's on PMS!

 FML totally spoilt my already-bad-mood.
 I dont know why but life sucks recently.

the road bully was one of the worse.

thank God someone was in the car with me to cool me down, if not there will be drama on the road edi...
I'll go buy blade tmrw and keep in my car in case this kind of thing happen again.

anyway anyhow, this whole day hasnt been good to me, from the moment i wake up till now.
u say lah, went to subway 2nd time this week, and both times, my cups were leaking.

and it only happened to me.
my friend who ordered before me had a non-leaking cup.
u say lah, what is this.... go both times, both times also get leaking cup. tsk tsk tsk...

i just hope all this #darkclouds thing will end when the Rabbit year ends... or, should i mandi bunga first?